Life Amongst The Gorillas
by Rietta
Summary: AU parody of the cliched stereotypes of American high schools. How will Ianto Jones cope with senior year in a completely different school system? His first morning is... interesting, to say the least.


**Ok, so this is a little different to my usual stuff. I wrote it a while back as a little light relief during exams last year, and just found it whilst inserting a little more order into my fanfic folder. It's a parody of the stereotypes attached to American high schools and is in no way meant to be taken seriously. It does contain a little Gwen-bashing, which is not something I usually endorse but the stereotypes demanded a 'Queen of the Plastics' and no-one else fitted the bill quite as well. Please don't take the bashing to heart; I like Gwen and usually write her much better.**

**So yeah, it's a bit of an experimental piece. Let me know what you think.**

**Title inspired partly by 'How I Met Your Mother' and partly by the jungle scenes in 'Mean Girls'.**

**Rated T for language; unbeta'd so all mistakes are my own.**

**Disclaimer- I own nothing except for the computer this was written on and the revision-propelled madness which drove me to write it.

* * *

**

"Ianto, dear, relax! It will all be fine!" Mary Jones attempted to console her son.

Ianto glared back. "No, Mam, it won't be fine! It will be like all the stereotypes; and it's senior year. I'll have tonnes of work to catch up on and no time to go out; and I'll just be the weird Welsh kid."

"Now you're just being silly dear," Mary sighed. "It won't be like the stereotypes at all."

Ianto just hoped she was right.

* * *

But ten minutes into the day, things weren't looking hopeful. He had already got lost twice looking for his homeroom and had his head thrust into a locker. By the time he finally located the right room, it was about two minutes until the bell to signal the end of homeroom, all the seats were taken, everyone was staring at him, and he received a lecture about punctuality. Brilliant.

"But I'm new here, and I got lost!" he protested. The teacher, one Mr Hart, looked him up and down.

"Alright, Eye Candy, I'll let you off this one time. What's your first lesson?"

Ianto checked his timetable. "Um, Maths, Sir."

Mr Hart looked round the room. "Ok, who else has Math next?"

Not a single hand went up. Hart glared. "Ok, I see you're going to be uncooperative. Alright then. Mr Harkness, can I see your timetable, please?"

A boy at the back of the room lifted his student planner and pointed at the page. Hart's glare intensified.

"Not what I meant, and well you know it! Now come up here and show me your timetable."

With an expressive roll of dazzling blue eyes, the boy rose and swaggered to the front with his planner. Mr Hart examined it and raised an eyebrow.

"Just as I thought, you do have Math first. You can show Mr Jones to the correct room and make sure he knows where to go for his second lesson. And you can have a detention tonight for insubordination."

"I can't have a detention tonight, Sir, I have football practice," Harkness returned, taking his student planner back.

"Well you can just explain to the football team why their Captain is late, because I sure as hell aren't letting you off for such a pitiful excuse."

Feeling rather than seeing the other boy's glare, Ianto sighed to himself. Great- just his luck. Twenty minutes into his new school and he had already managed to piss off the Captain of the football team. Now all he needed to do would be to accidentally flirt with the Head of the Plastics and have his head thrust down a toilet. Oh, and maybe get a drink chucked down him for good measure. He was so wrapped up in his thoughts he didn't hear the bell ring, and was jolted back to reality by a rough hand on his shoulder.

"You coming or what, newbie?"

Glancing up, he found his eyes locked on Harkness' dazzling blue ones. "Oh, um, sorry."

Picking up his bag, he followed the other boy down the hall in awkward silence.

"Um, I'm Ianto- Ianto Jones," he offered, and Harkness turned and stared at him.

"Do I look as if I care? Now step on it; we've got Mr Yana and he kills you if you're late. I already have one detention tonight thanks to you, I don't need another."

"Well I apologise for thinking you were human!" Ianto shot back sarcastically.

To his surprise, he could have sworn he spotted the corners of Harkness' mouth twitch for the briefest second before the other boy glared.

"I'm Captain of the football team, newbie, of course I'm not human."

"Oh, that's good to know, my liege," Ianto returned.

By that time they had reached a classroom, where Harkness put a finger to his lips, gesturing for silence as he marched in and pushed Ianto into a seat at the front before making his way to the back and sitting down beside a pretty Asian girl. Ianto shrugged. At least he'd got to the lesson on time, with all limbs intact.

To his surprise, he found that he was actually well up with the rest of the class, maybe even a little in advance of them. To his further astonishment, Harkness was not half bad at the subject, not making a single mistake when he was called to the blackboard. Judging by the standard of work in the room, he had been placed in the top set.

Ianto enjoyed Maths, and the end of the lesson came all too soon. Next step: find his way to English without getting lost. Mr Yana seemed less concerned with the fact that he was new than Mr Hart had, if such a thing were possible; and so Ianto could not help the flash of worry that shot through him as he studied the map and tried desperately to work out where to go. To his astonishment, he felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to see Harkness.

"Got English next?" he demanded, and Ianto nodded.

"Well get a move on then," Harkness returned, and gratefully the Welsh boy grabbed his bag and followed the football Captain and his pretty friend.

"Let me guess- if Mr Hart sees you dragging me around all day, he might let you off detention?" Ianto commented as they walked, and again he could swear the American's mouth twitched for the briefest moment before his glare was fixed in place again.

"You don't even credit me with a fraction of generosity?"

"Well I don't even know your first name, and you've already confessed to being inhuman," Ianto retorted reasonably.

There it was again, that twitch. "It's Jack. And yes. If Mr Hart sees me pretending to be nice to you, he might let me off detention."

Ianto raised an eyebrow. "Well, thank you for being honest, Jack. I always prefer honest meanness over faked niceties."

This time the Welsh boy could swear he saw Harkness' friend's lips twitch too.

"This is Toshiko Sato, by the way," Harkness commented as they reached their destination. "She's second-in-command of the Plastics, so she's equally duty-bound to ignore you. Have a good lesson."

Smiling sweetly, the footballer again abandoned Ianto at one of the front desks and followed Toshiko to the back. Even so, his hearing was sharp and he could swear he heard Harkness mutter: 'See, I told you.'

Wondering precisely what Harkness had told Toshiko passed most of the lesson nicely, since they were studying Twelfth Night and Ianto already knew it pretty much backwards.

Unfortunately, after the lesson came break. Doubtless Harkness would be totally unable to be seen with him, and he would have to find his own way to his next lesson. To his utter astonishment, the other boy once again appeared at his elbow, Toshiko in tow.

"History next?" Jack guessed, and Ianto nodded.

"I'll do you a deal, newbie- we'll let you walk to Mr Hart's room with us and talk to us, and if he lets me off detention we'll even let you sit with us at dinner. Savvy?"

Ianto shrugged. It wasn't as if he was going to get any other offers, and if he could blag his way to sitting with the popular kids for just one lunchtime maybe his life at this school wouldn't be too bad.

"Sure, why not? I presume if you don't fool him into thinking you're being nice to me for the sake of being nice to me, I wind up sat in the loos eating an apple and miserably comparing America to Wales, yes?"

"Something like that," Harkness agreed, casting a glance at Toshiko, who nodded.

"Excellent! Well, lead on. I have nothing better to do."

This time, Harkness' lips genuinely curved into a smile which he made no attempt to check. Ianto wasn't the only one to notice.

"So does this mean we're allowed to laugh at his jokes now, Jack?" Toshiko asked, and he grinned.

"For the duration of break and history, yes," the footballer nodded, leading the way out of the room.

"I'm flattered," Ianto remarked drily.

"You should be," Harkness shot back.

Ianto was about to make some witty retort when the crowds in front of them parted and they stopped to watch as the corridor cleared. Walking towards them was a dark-haired goddess in a black miniskirt and stiletto-heeled boots, accompanied by a small, scrawny boy with dark hair and a tall brunette with wavy hair and brown eyes. Their approach prompted a smile from Toshiko and a megawatt grin from Jack as the goddess stalked over and kissed him full on the lips before demanding:

"Who the hell is that?"

Jack shrugged. "New kid. We're pretending to be nice to him because Hart might let me off detention tonight if he thinks we're making him welcome."

"Oh," the goddess sniffed disdainfully.

The scrawny boy laughed. "Detention already, Harkness? What have you done this time?"

Jack raised an eyebrow. "Ignoring the newbie, what else?"

"But we have football practice!" the other boy protested.

"You think I don't know that?" Harkness shot back, wrapping his arm around the goddess' waist.

"Is this the point where I get down on my knees to worship you, apologising profusely for existing and kissing the ground you walk on?" Ianto enquired.

Jack threw back his head and laughed loudly, almost drowning out Tosh's giggles.

"Don't mind if you do," he commented, and Ianto smirked as he dropped to his knees and bowed in worship.

"Oh my Lord and Master, I am so incredibly sorry that I exist. It's a terrible fault of mine, and one of which I am heartily ashamed. I apologise, Oh Great One. I shall endeavour not to exist in the future, so as not to vex your lordship."

He finished by kissing the air a little above the floor- no way was he _actually_ going to touch the ground with his lips! By the time he straightened up again, not only Jack and Toshiko but also the scrawny boy and tall brunette were in hysterics.

The goddess glared. "Fuck's sake, Jack, people are watching! Have some dignity!" she snapped.

Jack cocked an eyebrow at her. "Oh, lighten up, Gwen!"

Toshiko giggled. "I can't believe you _actually_ did that!"

Ianto shrugged. "In my preliminary studies of American high schools, I noted that it's usually best to obey the higher orders of student society, regardless of the instruction."

The goddess- Gwen- smiled sweetly. "Oh, really? Well, New Boy, I just happen to be the leader of the Plastics. So when I tell you to piss off back to your end of the social scale…" Her voice trailed off ominously.

Biting back a flash of disappointment, Ianto shrugged and turned round, missing the moment when Jack unwound his arm from Gwen's waist with a glare. All the Welsh boy knew was when a large warm hand landed on his shoulder and turned him round.

"You stay right where you are," Jack ordered. "You're my 'get out of detention free card'. And since I've been assigned as your sheepdog, it would be very remiss of me to let you go walking off in the opposite direction to History."

Ianto flushed. Gwen glared. Toshiko smiled; and the other two exchanged glances.

"Now, Tosh you know," Jack commented. "And these are Gwen Cooper, Owen Harper and Suzie Costello."

"Hello," Ianto smiled a little shyly, and was not surprised when Gwen glared.

Jack shook his head at her and continued. "Gwen, Owen, Suzie; this is Ianto Jones. Since I'm his sheepdog, we'll be taking him under our wing." He glanced at his watch, and yelped. "Shit, we're gonna be late for History and I _cannot_ piss Mr Hart off any more today!"

Grabbing Ianto's arm, he hustled him away without a backward glance, walking so fast that poor Toshiko had to trot to keep up.

* * *

"Mr Harkness, so nice of you to join us!" Mr Hart purred sarcastically as the trio hurried into their classroom as the final note of the bell died away. "I see you've still got Eye Candy. I'm impressed."

Jack grinned, and Hart raised an eyebrow. "Not impressed enough to let you off detention though."

Jack's face fell, and the teacher rolled his eyes. "Honestly, Harkness, you are quite possibly the most shallow boy I have ever met in all my years of teaching. Now skedaddle to your seat whilst Eye Candy lets me know what he learned at his last school."

Ianto flinched from Jack's thunderous expression as the other boy stalked to his seat at the back of the room, Toshiko at his heels.

"I didn't do any American history at my last school, Sir," the Welsh boy confessed with a blush as he remembered why he was still standing at the front.

"Pity," Mr Hart remarked. "You may need some extra coaching to catch up. For now, sit at the front and pay attention. Miss Sato can sit next to you and lend a hand if you get stuck."

Glancing at Tosh, the teacher clicked his fingers and gestured to the seat next to Ianto. Obediently the Japanese girl got up and moved, and then the lesson began. Ianto found it quite tricky to follow and was relieved to have Tosh's help. Throughout the hour he could not shake the feeling that Jack's eyes were burning through his back in a glare. Looked like he would be hiding in the loos at lunch then. He sighed, trying to make head or tail of the article he was supposed to be taking notes on.

Tosh leaned over his shoulder to read his notes. "Here," she murmured, gently sliding the paper away from him and adding an annotation in pencil. When she passed it back, Ianto was surprised to find that the note read: '_He's glaring at Hart, not you. You can still eat with us. Stop worrying, Jack likes you. He may not be allowed to show it, but he does. So do I._'

Flattered and relieved, he grinned at Tosh and whispered 'Thank you!'

The rest of the lesson passed in blur. Educationally and socially it had gone pretty well, Ianto thought when the bell went. And that was when Mr Hart spoke up again.

"Harkness, Sato, Eye Candy, stay behind a minute- I need a word. The rest of you- bugger off."

Biting his lip, Ianto packed his books away and wondered what Mr Hart had to say. Tosh did the same, and they heard rather than saw Jack echoing their actions before stalking up to the front to sit on the desk next to Ianto.

"Eye Candy, I should have assigned you a sheepdog in homeroom this morning, but of course you were late. Did you find your lessons ok?"

Concern? From Mr Hart? Ianto wouldn't have thought he was capable. Evidently it was true what they said about not judging a book by its cover.

"Yes thank you sir, Jack and Toshiko helped me," he responded, and Mr Hart smiled.

"Good. Now, Harkness, Sato, since you seem to have taken Eye Candy under your wing, and you'll probably be in most of the same classes, I'm assigning you both as sheepdogs. I'm sure I don't need to outline what that entails."

"Yes sir," they responded in stereo.

"Oh, and Harkness?" Hart added, and Jack looked up hopefully. "Since you seem to have taken care of Eye Candy without being ordered to, I'll let you off detention tonight. This once."

"Yes sir, thank you sir," Jack beamed.

Hart nodded. "Right. Now bugger off and show Eye Candy the lunch hall- and don't let Miss Cooper drive him to suicide."

Since Gwen was- supposedly- his girlfriend, Jack glared at this last note, but Ianto could have sworn that the corners of his lips twitched as the trio turned away and headed out of the classroom.

As they closed the door behind them, Jack raised an eyebrow. "Congratulations Eye Candy, you've qualified to eat lunch with us- twice over!- and earned Mr Hart's favour in the space of one hour. Not bad going!"

Ianto gritted his teeth. "My name is Ianto. I would appreciate it if you'd use it."

Jack laughed. "Word of advice- never utter that sentence, especially not in that tone, to Mr Hart."

Tosh smiled. "The nickname means he likes you, Yan," she reassured him.

Ianto rolled his eyes. Honestly, how tricky was it to say a two syllable name? Mind you, this wasn't Wales. Chances were saying 'Ianto' correctly was beyond most of the population.

"You'll get used to him; he's not bad, old Hart," Jack commented, making Tosh laugh.

"You only say that because he fancies you, Jack," she returned as she pushed open the door to the canteen.

Ianto gaped, and Jack smirked at his expression.

"He comes to football matches sometimes," he explained. "Tosh caught him staring at my legs."

Glancing down at the Football Captain's tight navy jeans, Ianto could see Hart's point.

"So what's the food like?" he enquired, needing a rapid change of subject.

"Crap," Jack chuckled. "Whatever you do, don't get the chicken casserole. If you want to survive, best get a sandwich. But not a cheese one- the cheese is like rubber."

Ianto raised an eyebrow. "I'll bear that in mind," he responded, picking up a ham sandwich and an apple, along with a bottle of water and noting that his companions chose more or less the same meal: sandwich, water and fruit. It seemed very far removed from the good old days of chips, cheese and gravy in Wales. He felt a sudden wave of homesickness, and blinked. No! He would _not _cry, not in the middle of the cafeteria!

Astonishingly, Jack seemed to notice. "Hey, it could be worse," he murmured sympathetically as he steered Ianto towards the table which Owen, Gwen and Suzie had already commandeered. "You've leapt straight in at the top of the social scale, that's quite an achievement!"

Ianto smiled back weakly. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess it is." Truth be told, he was amazed by Jack's admission that he was already 'one of the gang', so to speak.

Gwen's glare as he sat down at the table reminded him sharply that he might have a few more people to win over before he was officially accepted as such.

"What the fuck is he doing here?" the Queen of the Plastics hissed angrily at Jack, and the Football Captain glared.

"I told you, Gwen, I'm sheepdogging him."

Turning to the other two, he grinned charismatically. "So Mr Hart let me off detention tonight."

Owen beamed and high-fived his friend. "Fantastic! Nice one, newbie."

"Me?" Ianto was puzzled.

Owen rolled his eyes. "Well, yeah. If Jack hadn't been seen hauling you around, Hart never would've let him off detention. Duh."

Suzie grinned. "Welcome to the gang."

Gwen's expression turned to thunder. "I'm sorry? He is _not_ automatically part of the gang just because Jack's his sheepdog! Which never should have happened anyway! The teachers should know the social order better!" she snapped. "And Suzie, _I _ am the head of the Plastics, not you. _I_ tell _you_ who we're welcoming into the group. There are people out there," she stared pointedly round the canteen, "who have been fighting for years to become part of the gang! _He_ is _not_ getting accepted on his first fucking day!"

As her speech continued her voice rose in pitch and volume, and by the time she finished half the canteen was staring at their table.

Jack glared at his girlfriend. "Oh, yeah, sensitive, Gwen," he snapped. "You might be deemed the Queen Bitch of the school but that does _not_ put you 'in charge' of the gang!"

"Jack!" she hissed, furious. "You're supposed to be on my side! You're my fucking boyfriend! And who died and put _you_ in charge of the gang?"

"No-one," Jack responded calmly. "And I might be your boyfriend, but I'm not going to support you when you're being deliberately catty."

Turning away from her, he locked eyes with each of the others in turn, apparently oblivious to the fact that every eye in the canteen was fixed on the heated debate.

"Ok then, we'll put it to the vote. We know what Gwen thinks, so Suzie, Owen, Tosh, how about you? Reckon Ianto qualifies as a member of the gang, either officially or honorarily?"

"Is 'honorarily' even a word, Jack?" Toshiko questioned with amusement.

Jack grinned and flipped a hand dismissively. "It is now. So- is Ianto in or out?"

"In," Toshiko replied promptly, and the other two nodded.

"Oh, for fuck's sake!" Gwen snapped, rising to her feet and storming out. Jack made no attempt to stop her, although this was evidently expected- she paused at the door and looked back. Finding that every eye in the room except for Jack's, Owen's, Tosh's and Suzie's was fixed on her, she burst into noisy sobs and ran out of the room.

Ianto frowned. "Shouldn't you go after her?" he asked the others.

They stared at him in astonishment. "You're too damn nice for your own good, newbie," Owen commented.

"She does it all the time," Suzie added, sounding bored.

"It will all have blown over by tomorrow," Toshiko reassured him.

"She's just jealous that she doesn't have my full attention." Jack sounded as bored as Suzie, and more than a little exasperated. "It had an effect when we were freshmen, but for god's sake, we're seniors now! You'd have thought she would have found a more grown up way of handling her insecurities."

Ianto blinked. "Oh. Um, ok."

Jack grinned at him, a blinding megawatt grin which made his heart beat the tiniest bit faster. "So, tell us about Wales! I'll bet it's totally different."

Ianto shrugged. "In some ways. But in some ways it's essentially the same. We even had the same kind of social hierarchy, though slightly less pronounced."

"Oh?" Suzie sounded interested. "And where were you in the hierarchy in Wales?"

Ianto blushed. He hated talking about himself, especially in positive terms. "Um, about here, actually."

Jack chuckled. "Now why doesn't that surprise me? Don't worry, Ianto, I think you're gonna fit in here just fine."


End file.
